Pesky Truth has learned of plans to fill Obama’s campaign coffers with billions (that’s right, billions) in preparation for a 2012 re-election campaign for the presidency and to fund “encouraging” world leaders to unanimously proclaim him “Exalted Grand Poobah” of the United Nations – a job to which he is known to aspire.

Obama’s marketing staff was asked to develop plans to take full advantage of the Obama brand to create revenue. This had to be done right away – before people saw through Obama’s façade of infallibility. The usual T-shirts, coffee mugs, and ball caps were set aside in search of something more “Metrobamic.”

Ollie Garky, one of the more creative MBAs on the team, had an idea and had run countless proof-of-concept scenarios and kept getting the same results. They were consistent and definite. Numbers don’t lie, and the numbers told him that the most profitable single option was to sell Obama franchises.

When questioned as to how an individual (especially a unique, iconic, god-like, genius intellect like Barack Hussein Obama) could be franchised, Garky was ready. “Obviously, you can’t recreate multiple president O’bamas – but we can license his image and likeness, catchphrases attributed to him, and anything he’s ever said.”

“And get this: we’ll even trademark any word ending in ‘bama’.” We’ve already filed papers in district court to force the State of Alabama to change its name. We’ll lose in every lower court, but we’ll prevail when it gets to the Supreme court” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). “They’ll be forced to change the state’s name to something like Ala-fornia, or Ala-nois, or Ala-sippi – who cares, we’ll own the “bama” suffix.”

A competitor for the top executive spot, Ms. Meg Nettick, took exception to some of Garky’s ideas, pointing out how anti-Obama forces could use some of the aspects of franchise conditions against him.

But this is where Garky’s concept convinced the group – he proposed that two separate companies be created, one to sell franchises to use the Obama brand in a positive format, and a second company that would market distinctly different franchise collateral to anti-Obama entities. “When we control both the pro message and the con message, we can squeeze everyone else out and create income every time someone mentions Obama.”

“The best that any competitor’s campaign can do without infringing on our trademarks is to refer to him as ‘that guy’.”

It was decided that “’Yes, We Can, LLC’ and ‘No, he can’t, LLC’ would be the internal code names for the public companies. Obviously, the entities’ final legal names would have to reflect input from focus groups, studies, and surveys. ObamaRama, LLC would be the holding company.

ObamaRama would control all aspects of the brand’s use. After buying a franchise license, the franchisee would cover all expenses of his/her particular endeavor and pay a percentage of the revenue income to O’Rama. Gorky’s revenue projections forecast 200 million the first year, and at least double each year thereafter. By the end of two terms, Obama was expected to rival Warren Buffet and Bill Gates for the title of “the country’s richest man.”

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The first franchise contract is set to be signed on January 31, 2009 and oddly, is an anti-Obama 501(c)(3) called “MoveOut.org,” which is devoted to ousting him from the White House in the 2012 elections. Their political ads are hard-hitting and bordering on “negative,” but were very professionally produced. We note that the ad titles were spin-offs of familiar slogans. The initial list of ads included both 15 sec. spots and longer 30 sec. placements.

• Home of the Golden Aches
• Tax Great, Less Filing
• You Can’t Do it, I Won’t Help
• He Keeps Lying … and Lying … and Lying
• Reach Out and Tax Someone
• We Make Money the Old Fashioned Way, We Take It
• The Ultimate Obfuscation Machine
• The Other Half-White Meat
• It’s Not My Economy, Stupid
• Socialism is Job One
• Read My Lips; No New Tax Cuts

What a brilliant concept, Obama makes money even when his opposition bashes him!

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Another of the earliest franchises awarded was to a songwriting and publishing house “Rodgers and Obamastein.” They specialize in the country music genre and expect to produce Hi-def Blu-Ray videos of Obama singing country songs. Some of the visuals include an Obama look-alike dressed as a metro-cowboy (hat, boots, nose-ring, etc.) singing to Michelle, Obama singing to an intern wearing a stained blue dress, and Obama singing to Chris Matthews. All are available for download at iTunes. Some of the titles* on the original album release include:

• I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
• My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
• You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
• I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl,
  But It Don't Run, So We're Even
• I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
• Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
• Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
• If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

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But, the most unusual among the early franchisees was … a church.

The “Yasswiccan United Assembly of One” church is a new-age religion based on the teachings of His Infallible Oneness, Obamassiah.

The church will be headquartered in Chicago, but will soon open branches throughout the country. Church authorities were reluctant to discuss the church’s deeply-held beliefs until a final blessing of their business plan by their attorneys Belch, Bloat, and Gassey, LLC.”

Unsubstantiated rumors claim the church only solicits attractive college coeds as members (men consistently fail the physical). Flock members receive stipends for participating in weekend Obamagational activities.

The most disturbing part of the rumor is that the entire clergy are said to be wealthy, middle-aged and older men; “Lay Ministers” as it were, who tend the flock.

Reports allege that the “Lay Ministers” become ordained as a byproduct of purchasing church building bonds. A bond authorizes the “minister” to interact with the flock and to minister to their needs. Church leaders vehemently deny any inappropriate conduct. “All flocking around is entirely appropriate under our Yasswiccan charter,” said church spokesman, Elder Hugh Hefner, Membership Director.

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A book publisher, Simon Und Shutree, has attained a franchise and will publish three new self-help books by Barack:

• Community Organizing for Fun and Profit
• Bidding Strategy When Buying a U.S. Senate Seat
• Elections: How To Fake Sincerity and Win

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One of the most controversial franchises has to be Sweet Hiney Beer. The company has developed a patented process to recycle urine back into beer. Though they acknowledge that the procedure initially sounds repulsive, but when the process is fully understood, focus groups warmed to the idea.

A relatively simple process sanitizes the urine and replaces the trace components with a malt/hops/yeast concentrate. This allows the beer to be sold at about 50% of the price of “new” beer. The taste is said to be on par with popular brands.

Marketing will ramp up during the first quarter of 2009 with national distribution by the end of the year. Marketing Director, Pottu Peain revealed the firm’s marketing slogan, “I can’t wait to get my hands on some Sweet Hiney” at a Friday news conference announcing the nationwide campaign.   

Formed to take advantage of Obama’s planned Beer Cap and Trade program, their recycling process is classified as “green” which earned Sweet Hiney a waiver excluding their product from the program’s cap and trade restrictions.